No Title

Well

At  the risk of being really negative... the best part of my life is over. I've returned home after spending a year in Japan and while I am incredibly happy to be with my family again,  I'm really saddened by the fact that soon I will have to go back to university.

I will be in my final year; I'll have exams, reports, assignments, my dissertation to write, I'll have to start teaching again and I'm terrified I forgot how to. I'll be starting everything again. After spending a year in an amazing country, meeting so many wonderful people and seeing them everyday...returning to my mundane university life in England will suck...really suck.

I never really documented online my life in Japan, but it really was one of the best experiences in my life. I was so busy meeting new people and being sociable while at the same time struggling to understand what my teachers were saying to me during the classes that I never for even a second thought about what I would do when the year abroad was over.

Truthfully, I had thought about dropping out of university after an incident that happened in March 2015 that really affected my relationship with the staff in my department. But I've spent 3 years of my life working towards a degree in Teaching English and I have only one more year to go, I know I can do it.

But I worry.

I worry so much.

Sorry if my post wasn't upbeat, but honestly these days I'm not feeling too great. I miss my friends in Japan and I miss my life there. I guess the only thing I can do is try to remain positive and try to focus all my energy on getting my degree.


As always, thank you so much for your support on here and on [InsertNameHere], it really means a lot to me when you guys email me (or comment). So thank you


Rena x

My Sincerest Apologies

Hello everyone.

It's Friday,  just past 2pm in Japan  and the weather outside is grey and humid. I'm sat in my dorm room with the air conditioning blasting a refreshing 27 degrees at me.

Last night I tried to curl my hair by using a sock, and I didn't do it so well so I woke up this morning with crappy looking hair but hey, that's life.

While I was sitting here and thinking about how crap my hair looks, I realised something.

I realised how much of a failure I am.

Before coming to Japan I had planned to record and document everything I did here, not only for myself but also to make sure that my personal blog didn't die (at least).I even made a blog purely dedicated to my life in Japan but...as you might have noticed, all of my blogs have died.

I wish it were possible for me to make excuses but honestly, the only thing that can explain it is I just haven't felt like blogging.

The moment I touched ground in Japan my life became hectic. It started with jetlag, then I had to get insurance and internet, create a bank account,  make friends, attend classes, write reports, do homework and try to live in Japan  (which isn't as difficult as people make it seem, trust me). When I had free time I would spent it hanging out with my new friends: eating, drinking or singing in karaoke. In short...I forgot about my online life.

Writing film summaries on my [InsertNameHere] blog was a hobby of mine, but yea it took time...a lot of time. I haven't had many opportunities to sit down and watch a BL film, for over 8 months that blog has been sitting around and dying and for that I'm so sorry.

I will return to [InsertNameHere] but that will probably be when I'm back in the UK. As for this blog, there is so much I want to tell you guys..so many things have happened but because there are THAT MANY things I have idea no where to begin....

SO HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

Even though I haven't been around, I still love and appreciate you guys. As always if you want to get in contact with me you can email me . See you guys soon!!

Rena x

Day 70 - Another 5am Feeling Post

Okay so this post is probably going to make me sound like a crazy lady but....I feel like my entire existence on the internet already supports that statement so, what do I have to lose?!

So, the Attack on Titan live action will be coming out...next month(?) and I am here to express my concerns. Or concern. I have only 1 concern. It is a really ridiculous concern, I'll be honest.

If you follow me on tumblr or on here you might have noticed my...um.. /cough/ love* for HARUMA MIURA.

HARUMAAAA will be playing the lead character Eren. Which is wonderful! I am so happy he is getting so many fantastic roles and opportunities, he deserves it so much, he is a fantastic actor and a wonderful person.

But...at the same time as being so insanely happy for him, I'm also troubled. I know a lot of people that like the Attack on Titan anime and will probably watch the live action. They will see my beautiful (unknown to him) husband and realise how amazing he is and....and....

Yes I realise how ridiculous it sounds but....he is just so perfect!!! D:

*not to be confused for obsession. 

Day 67: IT IS HOT, OKAY?

I've been seeing a lot of posts regarding the "heatwave" in the UK at the moment and it's kinda pissing me off.  Not the posts where British people are saying it's hot because they are correct IT IS TOO DAMN HOT. But people from countries that are used to 40 degree heat ripping on us and telling us we are over reacting.

WE. ARE. NOT. USED. TO. IT.

We will probably never be used to heat like this. Extreme hot, extreme cold WE CAN'T FUNCTION! We are unprepared for everything that is outside of our normal meteorological conditions. We don't even have air conditioning in our buildings, if it gets to 30 degrees+ WE FEEL IT. We can't go inside and sit in a cool air conditioned room because that room is alSO 30+ FREAKIN DEGREES

YESTERDAY in my city it was 33 degrees. 33 DEGREES.
And last night wasn't much better. I was on fire until about 5am when the temperature dropped to 22 degrees.

LITERALLY EVERY PERSON IN THE UK LAST NIGHT.

I can't even lie on my back because I got a god damn sunburn.

It's like being in China all over again....

I don't mean to have a go at all you "hot" countries....but try to remember the UK is not a hot country...and when we get close to hot..we panic.


Have a great day everyone~

Day 64 - Blindly Following: DON'T

I am very much over this blind love that seems to be around. It seems to be because people think being a "fan"  means you have to love every single thing that person or group does.
It really really doesn't.

Whether you're a fan or not you can still appreciate something that's good, and dislike something that isn't.

Y'all know I love HARUMAAAA (aka my husband) do I love his work?
YES I LIVE FOR IT
Do I love every sINGLE THING HE HAS DONE EVER?
Of course not.

Because believe it or not, I'm relatively sane. Even with this beautiful man parading around my laptop screen
(here)

My goddddddddddddd he's perf ❤❤❤❤❤


Anyway...my point is you don't have to like everything a person/group do/does...it doens't make you a bad 'fan'.

It makes you an honest fan. And that's the best kind of fan  ❤

Things I Have Learnt In My First Term At University

Today is the last day before the Christmas holidays and I'm currently waiting to be picked up by my mummy so I made this list! Ohh so very list!

1. I do want to become an English teacher.
   I've enjoyed the first semester so much I am so glad I decided to take a TESOL course.
   
2. Teaching presentations aren't as terrifying as originally thought.
   So much satisfaction when you do a presentation and everyone is actively participating and the feedback is positive!
   
3. All the cute guys seem to have girlfriends
   Did they come here with girlfriends?! Or did they manage to find them within the first few weeks?! Where was I when the girlfriend choosing ceremony was taking place??
   
4. I'm at the point in my life where I dont want a boyfriend....I deserve one.
   I do....honestly.
   
5. Japanese is both easy and difficult.
   I don't even know.
   
6. Living with 4 boys is easier if you have brothers.I don't care about the noise and the occasional messy kitchen as long as they shut up at some point and clean up when they've done.
   
7. I listen to too much Chinese music
   Now people think I can speak fluent Chinese...which is a compliment (along with my favourite "are you Chinese?" But because they think I'm Chinese I can translate the foreign posters for them.....in short: I can't
   
8. I feel super guilty when I miss a lecture.
   Because of that I've only missed one!
   
9. I can only eat a bowl of cereal and a sandwich a day.And i still survive...it's all about timing... (tell me this 6 months ago I would have laughed in your face)
   
10. No matter how nice you are people will still talk shit about you.Imagine hanging out with someone who you thought was your friend when in actual fact they don't like you and they are talking about you. It makes you question yourself. Am I annoying? Do I behave in a way that makes people not want to hang out with me? What have I done to cause this person to do this to me?
    After spending the majority feeling like a valued member of a friendship...then moving to university and placing your trust in someone else only to find out that this person doesn't even like you it the most heart breaking thing I have ever had to experience and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
    
11. Sometimes the only thing that can get you through the day is knowing that when you get home you can go to sleep and for a few hours forget everything.

So, it seems I'm an adult

What have I been doing with my life these two week I hear no one ask.
OH WHERE DO I BEGIN~!

Nah, I'm just kidding, I haven't really been doing a lot. After receiving my results from the exams that I worked my butt off studying for...I am going to university in just under 2 weeks!
How insane is that...?
Actually thinking about it, it's not that insane: a load of people go off to university/college every year, it's not a big deal, but it feels so strange to me that I will be going away...it's like I've reach a major milestone or something. I always thought I'd go to university but now that it's actually happening...it's a little surreal.

At the moment I have been busy preparing to live away from home, my parents seem more concerned than I am about the whole thing - which is strange because my older brother is studying in a different country (Okay..he's studying in Scotland..) and I'm going to be (depending on traffic) 4 hours away, so it's not like they haven't been through this before.
My mum has been giving me all sorts of food tips, asking me what I'll be cooking ; what I'll have for breakfast, lunch and dinner saying things like "Laina what do you think you'll eat everyday?" like I'm meant to plan every meal I have for the next few months (...assuming I'm going home for Christmas ehehe).
My dad just wants me to learn self-defence. He said to me "I expect you to call us on the first Friday with news that you've joined a self-defence class" to which I responded that there was no need for me to take a self-defence class because the chances of me being attacked are very very low considering how I don't plan on leaving my dorm room. Needless to say he wasn't too impressed with this remark and went all "ohmygod can't you be serious for once" on my ass.

Due to the fact that I won't be living at home, I'm going to have to buy my own crap from now on. No more "I'll just put this in the shopping trolley while my dad is over there getting bread and hope he doesn't notice when we get to the scanny thingy" and that is the story of how my cherry coke addiction started...
ANYWAY, because I have to buy my own food I needed to set up another bank account and sort out internet banking. Unfortunately for me, as someone who hates calling people, all of this needs to be done over the phone. Even though I had to ask the lady to repeat herself many times because I had no idea what she was talking about and I couldn't hear her because my family is too loud, everything is sorted and I have cards that magically give people money in return for food and things.

Something that has recently become painfully clear to me is that: I'm going to have to make friends.
Now, I'm not the least sociable person in the world, in fact I go out with people quite often. The only problem I have is that I find talking to new people such a chore and the awkwardness when you're trying to get to know someone unbearable.
I've had my group of friends for a while now; out of that group the friend I've had the longest I've known for around 9 years, the ones who I was 'closest' with I've known for 5 years. My point is: I've known these people for such a long time 98% don't actually know the real me and now I have to find new people, be nice to them and hope they like me.

Speaking of which the whole "making friends" situation could be quite problematic because I've decided that I'm no longer going to hide my true self which I've been doing for nearing 10 years out of fear that those people would no longer like me. Behaving the way you think people want you to and constantly worrying that if you were to show your true colours they would reject you - it's tiring.
So I will drag myself out of the perverted closet and parade around screaming my love for dramas and BL films, yaoi manga and "foreign" music and hope to god there is someone out there who likes someone like that...if not, maybe now it the time to accept my fate of being alone forever.
Oh wait...I still have my parents.

So, to summarise, what I've been doing these past few weeks: preparing to live and study away from home like a good university student and hoping that once I muster enough courage to be myself people wont hate me (...I've always been watching a hell of a lot of dramas with Haruma Miura in because I love him)

At the end of these long text posts I usually put a few photos...but honestly I haven't taken a photo in a good 3 weeks...oops!~

It's not 'obsession' it's infatuation mixed with devotion

こんにちは!~

Recently I've been really getting into Japanese doramas. Well, to be more accurate - I'm becoming more and more obsessed with infatuated by Haruma Miura.

It's quite a funny story about how I first came to know about his existence. Actually, it's not that funny...
A while ago I became curious about JGV and it wasn't until January (I think) that I decided to watch some videos - an action that I don't regret at all. One of my favourite actors is called Haruma, he's the cutest most sweetest guy ever, after watching all of the videos of him I could find I went to tumblr and looked at the tag - y'know, reblog some .gifs and all that.

While I was enjoying the  Haruma Tag I noticed that there wasn't just the wonderful JGV actor there was another beautiful man. I became enchanted by his warm bright smile and gorgeous hair and decided to google his fine ass.
I found that he's in a drama called Last Cinderella that was currently on tv in Japan (this is April time btw) So I promised myself that once I complete my exams I would watch this drama.

FAST FORWARD TO 12TH JULY.

I watched the first episode and became one hundred percent devoted to it, and more importantly, Haruma Miura.

Now because of my love for Haruma I decided I would watch EVERYTHING he's ever done...which seems to be quite hard because a lot of the old stuff is damn hard to find. Damn you internet.
But I've seen and fallen in love with the drama Samurai High School. SWEET HONEY GLOWING JAM THAT DRAMA WAS GOOD.
I'm going to watch a film Kimi ni Todoke which....it's quite funny...again, not really...

FLASHBACK TO  JULY 2012
...One of my really good friends (who has now abandoned me to go back to China which I'll probably complain about in a separate blog post) sent me a link to this film and told me to watch it - it was one of those multiple part ones - I watched the first part but because it was quite late and I had to go to school early the next day I didn't watch the rest....it seems I never had the chance to finish it.

FLASH FORWARD TO LAST WEEK
Now I realise that the film my friend sent me was KIMI NI TODOKE(!!!) and  I'm kicking myself because had I watched the film LAST YEAR I would have had more time to love Haruma.

It's like, say that you really like lemons...I mean you REALLY like lemons and you want to show your love to the lemons by eating them everyday. You want to appreciate the sexy sourness of the lemon by licking the fresh, juicy tangy centre for the rest of your life.
Then you came across a time machine hanging around in a street somewhere, you travel back in time to 30th July 2012.
Now you have 1 extra year to devote yourself to this delicious fruit of kings.
Do you guys see where I'm going with this?

Anyway, I love Haruma Miura. He has now become ones of my favourite Japanese actors, tying of course with Ryoma Baba. Speaking of whom, Baba-chan needs to do more dramas and films I'm feeling lonely without his perfect cheekbones to stare at.

I'm starting to go public with my love of these two men. I watched Samurai High School with my little brother and continuously told him that Haruma was the most beautiful being to ever walk this earth whenever he showed up on screen. I also shove my phone in his face and force him to tell me who the man is with a face carved by angels who is currently my background (Baba-chan btw)

Please excuse me while print out a butt load of pictures of these beautiful men and plaster them all over the walls of my bedroom while sobbing quietly about how perfect they are.


[P.S - I dare not imagine what would happen to my heart if these two guys were to appear in a drama/film together...oh sweet monkey balls *hyperventilates*]

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Would you like to know something that annoys me about myself?
How sometimes I'm so freaking emotional.

I have a particular memory that evokes so much sadness I cannot stop myself from breaking down whenever it is mentioned. The thing is, it's not even that sad - like nothing particularly horrific happens... no one dies. It's just that remembering it makes me so unbelievably upset, I force myself not to think about it.

Sometimes I have really scary thoughts, thoughts that have literally reduced me to tears.
It was father's day last Sunday and we went out to dinner on the Friday before it. My little brother told us that there was this kid in his class who had lost his father and still made him a father's day card. I thought that was unbearably sweet....but then dark thoughts hit me. What if my dad died?  What would I do?
I literally broke down in the middle of the restaurant. Of course no one had no idea what I was suddenly crying about, I think at first they thought I was fake crying and they kinda brushed it off. I forced myself to stop crying for real and pretended that I was actually faking it like they thought. Stopping thinking about something when it has strongly affected you is a hard thing to do. Trust me.

At times there isn't something in particular that triggers these morbid thoughts. One time I was in my sociology class and I just looked at the students in my class and wondered what it would be like if I just wasn't there, if I just didn't exist. I didn't have a physical reaction to this..but I felt a strong sadness inside me that just felt like it was weighing itself on my shoulders. I don't know why I allow my mind to wander like this.
Things that usually wouldn't make me upset have brought me to tears. I listened to a song that I've heard and seen the music video of so many times without shedding one single tear, but suddenly it made me cry so much. Today, I accidentally stepped on a snail and sobbed for a good 5 minutes.

These things haven't just started happening, it's been going on for a while now. I haven't told anyone - there isn't much of  need to, they're just irrational thoughts and feelings.But somehow I feel better sharing this part of me with a group of people who don't know me in person, even if you guys now think of me as some emotional wreck.

I need to be clear, the majority of the time I am a quite happy, upbeat person that will always try to look on the bright side of everything...
..I just really needed to write this post.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of everything.
I'm scared about how popular my blog is becoming.
I'm scared I'll disappoint people.
I'm scared that I will do something and something will go wrong.
I'm scared I'll say something and someone will misunderstand.
I'm scared people will get sick of me.
I'm scared I won't do well in my exams.
I'm scared I won't meet anyone who wants to share their life with me.
I'm scared I'll be alone forever.
I'm scared that I'll wake up and something tragic has happened.
I'm scared that I'll always feel like this, I'm scared I'll always feel scared.